Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
pray to the hookup gods
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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