The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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