I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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