dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
