counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
