I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
