It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You ruined the universe
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
