My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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