whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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