One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
