if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
