Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
