cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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