just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
