Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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