God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize