I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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