im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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