I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
