Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
