Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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