in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
