my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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