I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my being single is dangerous.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
