I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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