Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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