I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
