Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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