He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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