found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
