everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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