just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
