the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
