I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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