I never want to see another naked old woman again.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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