lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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