im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The struggles of a small town man whore
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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