I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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