he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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