Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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