Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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