I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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