I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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