Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
