I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
