the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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