I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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