There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
