Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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