I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Four minutes until I can fart!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
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