pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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