I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
