his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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