grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
