When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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