I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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