i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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