Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
is it fun? or sober?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
