On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
