Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
3pm strippers are depressing
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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